In Touch: The Beautiful Broken Fixer
“Opposites attract” they say. Yea, well sometimes that is true…however in modern life I’d like to think that we try to connect with people that are compatible and like-minded. We yearn for that understanding and relatable aspect. We, as humans are configured so differently, so complicated and delicately. A lot of us jump at the chance of having a soul mate that’s wired even remotely like ourselves. In some cases, this could be a great thing. In others, it can be blissfully damaging.
What happens when time after time you attract a broken-spirited person? When do you realize the reality of the failed relationships that you have tried to build? My time is now. For a very long time I’ve been what I call a “fixer.” Now be aware that I am no Olivia Pope, and I’ve never successfully fixed anything that I’ve set my heart on fixing (relationship wise.) I can tell you how it starts and how it ends…
It typically starts with a conversation, a very interesting one. Of course, when you first meet a person they do not give you their entire life and love story but what they do give you is hints and clues at what their past has done to them whether it be good…or bad. I pay very close attention to those details and I’m honestly not really sure if I do so consciously or subconsciously. Those blueprints to who a guy is, what he’s been through, and why he’s currently the way he is intrigues me. I want to know more because no matter if it’s good or bad I feed off of it and I know in my heart of hearts it can teach me something I don’t already know.
Now, I don’t just go around being nosey with every guy I meet. From that first conversation I also depict someone in whom I feel a connection with, someone I feel has a good heart. That good heart could be apparent, or that good heart could be masked under grime. Either way, its there and that is typically the basis of what I want to shine bright because in that very first conversation, he shows me a glimpse of it…maybe mistakenly. So I build this friendship, I try my hardest to gain trust, I gain feelings, and I develop love, and dig deep in the process. I do my best to make myself readily available to listen, to be there when there is no one else, to heal, to motivate, to make happy…
The happiness comes for just a moment…and I bask in their happiness for as long as I can because as we know life is not always easy so next time the curveball is thrown I’m graciously obtainable for him again to lean on. Clearly I’m doing this for the happiness for that guy but that happiness trickles down to me, his happiness momentarily becomes my own…until I realized…ultimately I was not happy in my own situation.
I bathe myself in the fixings of other’s problems because I can attempt to provide answers and ideas for them. I can’t do that for myself without asking for help. Asking for help is something that I never did in those relationships because I never wanted to be a burden on anyone, and my problems remained unknown until they couldn’t anymore. My brokenness shined through, and each time it matched the person whom brokenness I was trying to mend. So now, the irony is evident. I had to stop trying to fix them. There was a bigger problem to fix.
So, guess what I am doing now as a natural born fixer…
“When you feeling lost in the night, when you feel your world just ain’t right.”
“Its funny you’re the broken who and I’m the only one who needed saving.”