Oh what a beautiful trait…
Taking the high road is so complex. In retrospect, it seems like the right thing to do and in the beginning it’s a good feeling to have. Overtime, it’s always a different story. I don’t know about you but, my nonchalant behavior comes back to bite me every time. Every single time that I don’t express myself like I want to express myself it eats at me until I am completely over the situation.
There has been times when I’ve had the right to spaz out on someone but I didn’t. When I was in the predicament where crying was appropriate but I couldn’t. Where simply asking “why” was necessary but I just couldn’t bring myself to formulate the question. Yet I’m spazzing in my mind, crying behind closed doors, and asking myself why….why is it so hard to me to be vulnerable when I need to be? Why do I have an ego as big as a overprivileged, multi-million dollar, gray haired white man? Why? Why do I do it to myself?
I’ve vowed before, to become more vulnerable. I’ve even tried it a time or two. Those weren’t good times…I didn’t get the results I was hoping for and in all honestly I believe I went right back into my comfort zone…the zone that’s oblivious to what being vulnerable means. But I have so many untapped emotions, at this day and age I don’t have the luxury to hold it all in anymore. I need to weep, I need to yell, I need to kick, I need to scream, I need to know why you never thought of me as yours, why you moved away and left me alone, why don’t we have that bond, why you got sick, why you take on all the family’s stress and allow no one to care for you, why you think it’s okay to creep back into the life of my loved ones and not my own, why you didn’t see me fit to be with, why you didn’t choose me…I just wanted you to choose me, why you switched on me so swiftly and let it all go, why you felt the need to turn against a friend, why you think its ok to say these things now that you’re committed, why do you even love me…I’m so screwed up.
You of course…..all of you. You mean so much, and you’ve made drastic impressions on my life. I’ve hurt so much in confidence, but I’ve gained so much in public. I’ve grown so much stronger. Even the strongest person will have their sore days, where they just need rest….or ventilation. This is the only way I know how. And if you are anything like me…I suggest you find an outlet, because the high road you’re traveling on allows you to pass plenty of them…so take your pick.