Internal troubles. External influences. All that is in me is torn. What to think versus how I feel is a constant battle upon me. I know who has wronged me. Inconsideration can feel stronger than hate, it can cut like a dagger and burn like a flame. Only when someone I care for is using it as a weapon against me, either knowingly or unknowingly.
I try, Lord knows I try. I come from stone to stick..overtime. Easily breakable. I have deeply rooted issues. Weeds planted, that have sprouted within 25 years. Most of what I have yet to fully dig up. A victim, I could portray to be…but I am not. I know who has wronged me. I know who I have wronged. An angel I am not, and I have no excuse. Forgive me for my words, forgive me for my actions. Forgive me for yourself and not me. Charge it to my head and not my heart. Because I am mentally fucked up and trying to drift those two apart.
I am no ones enemy nor am I anyone’s savior. That’s something I have to remind myself time and time again because I can always grab a cape and be there when needed. But I need to save myself. I am my worst enemy and I can’t blame anyone else. I compensate only by helping others. If I take on your problems I have less time for my own. Less time to figure out the root of my deepest concerns because I am too invested in those of your own. This is not a cry for savior from anyone else besides myself and the God of all gods. This is real. This is self reflection and realization.
I realize that you can not truly expect another human being to be available for you the way YOU want them to be available for you. Every human being does things differently, and they have been doing it that way their entire lives. So with that being said they have to make a conscious decision to mold into a compromised version of themselves to accommodate you. That is…true love. It’s rare. I have an understanding of that now.
Now, practice what you preach sweet cracked china doll. The world doesn’t revolve around you. I know. I am the worst at a round table compromise. I can bring some mental stimulation to the table, I can bring some finances to the table, I can tell you sweet words and really mean them. The capacity to exude that emotion is something I sometimes lack. Honestly, it’s not that I lack it. I am overly emotional, the lack thereof comes from fear. If you want me to exude emotion for one situation, you will get a flood of emotion that encompasses at least 10 years. The broken mirror that had been still holding on, revealing that imperfect reflection will shatter. That’s a fear in itself and to double over, who’s going to stay to pick up the pieces. I am for sure. HE is for sure, with prayer. What other human being do you have when the strongest, most tangible ear available to listen…is supposed to be your own?