Beauty in Unity: Black Lives Matter Edition

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The world as of today has far too many tragedies taking place. Lives are being taken in one too many countries. From terrorism, to racism, to trafficking, to slavery…HUMAN lives are being taken.

What value do you put on a single human life? Does one man’s life mean more than another? To whom? That is the real question. And who gives this person the right to pass the judgment that one man’s life is more inestimable than the other?

In one of the most popular, structured, “free” countries in the world there is turmoil. Disquietude flows throughout the United States of America for the umpteenth time. Our clocks were set back 100 years slowly and unnoticeably, we are trying to pushing them forward by 50, but there is more work to do, especially to become current.

How do we live in a world with laws manufactured by historic white Americans, amended by historic white Americans, and dictated by descendants of those same white Americans? How does the LAW justify the wrongful deaths of African Americans committed by LAW enforcers? Take a look at that last sentence…who’s side is the law on?

Let’s take a minute to clear the air on the black-on-black crime push back which has nothing to do with African American men (and women) being brutally and wrongfully punished to the point of death by law enforcement:

Though its not condoned either, it’s simple. African American kills another African American, it’s a far better chance that wrongdoer will be arrested and sent to prison which brings justice to the family of the innocent.

Let’s look at the issues we’ve faced so far: Law enforcer kills inculpable African American, either within or out of the scope of duty, law enforcement immediately get placed on administrative leave. Investigation commence. Federal refuses to take part in investigation. Local investigation ends, it’s tried, and law enforcement is rendered not guilty.

Is it a bit clearer now? The only thing that needs to be said at this point in time about blacks in regard to other blacks is that now is the time to unite and demand that the law is TRULY amended to include African American’s right to life and equality. What does it take for this to happen? Seeing gang rivals come together to promote peace among the black community is shocking and amazing to see. The peaceful protests around the world is a beautiful beginning. Still as this is taking place lynchings are happening in the south. More police-involved shootings are taking place.

What does it take to let the world know this is a real issue?

Maybe it took this headline: 2 Dallas officers Shot

Or this headline: 10 Dallas officers shot; 3 killed

Maybe the final Headline: 14 people shot by sniper in Downtown Dallas. 12 officers, 2 civilians; 5 officers killed. The worst attack on law enforcement since 9/11.

Violence will NEVER counteract violence, and it is not the answer. What it will do is bring severity to the situation. So many hearts and prayers go out to the people who were harmed in this violent attack after a peaceful protest. Condolences are sent to the justly officers who were caught in the crossfire, to their families, to their justly partners who stayed back to help them and the civilians of Dallas to safety while risking their lives in the crossfire. You justly officers will forever and always have our gratitude.

What we need to keep in mind is that even with this being a senseless act of crime, it is a RESULT of wrongful acts of unjustly, timid officers across the world. The honorable officers and civilians who were harmed should not have to pay for the souls of the unjust, especially not with their lives, but the number one question is: Who should?

We need answers. We need results. We need peace, love, unity, and equality. We need it now.

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A Luxurious Release: Letting Go

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You know when you want something so badly that you go lengths to obtain it just to realize you didn’t really need it?

Well this isn’t that…

This is a matter of the psyche…when your mind and soul tells you that you need something so badly to the point that you go lengths to keep it. This is about hoarders. There’s not just one type of hoarder.

There’s the hoarder that harbors emotions. Either emotions for a person, toward a person, or maybe even just as a result of a situation. It gets to the point where you rather go blind than see that person walk away. You rather scratch your eyes out than to see them happy. You rather disappear than deal with the situation at hand. It becomes apart of who you are, and you do everything humanly possible to keep that feeling.

WHY?

When you are at the stage where these emotions are embedded into everything that makes you who you are, who are you without them? That’s the frightening thing about it all, that’s the sole reason for you to keep it all inside. Though we fight to hold on, we all have a breaking point.

Once you breakdown there is nothing else to do but rebuild. Rebuilding means starting from the bottom up…starting from scratch. Rebuilding means having courage. It takes courage to strip yourself of each element that you used to define who you are, no matter if it’s people or things. Separating yourself from those things and looking at the naked truth is a strenuous task. Being comfortable with what you see is even more difficult. With this though, comes gratification and appreciation. When you can truly accomplish this you can take from those harbored emotions; a lesson…instead of those emotions taking from you; your peace of mind.

This is the process of letting go….
Stay Tuned: It gets harder from here, this is the PROCESS of release…there is still a step I can’t speak on yet but it’s in the works: Knowing Your Worth vs Understanding Your Worth

Broken Mirrors

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Imagery via Flickr

 

Internal troubles. External influences. All that is in me is torn. What to think versus how I feel is a constant battle upon me. I know who has wronged me. Inconsideration can feel stronger than hate, it can cut like a dagger and burn like a flame. Only when someone I care for is using it as a weapon against me, either knowingly or unknowingly.

I try, Lord knows I try. I come from stone to stick..overtime. Easily breakable. I have deeply rooted issues. Weeds planted, that have sprouted within 25 years. Most of what I have yet to fully dig up. A victim, I could portray to be…but I am not. I know who has wronged me. I know who I have wronged. An angel I am not, and I have no excuse. Forgive me for my words, forgive me for my actions. Forgive me for yourself and not me. Charge it to my head and not my heart. Because I am mentally fucked up and trying to drift those two apart.

I am no ones enemy nor am I anyone’s savior. That’s something I have to remind myself time and time again because I can always grab a cape and be there when needed. But I need to save myself. I am my worst enemy and I can’t blame anyone else. I compensate only by helping others. If I take on your problems I have less time for my own. Less time to figure out the root of my deepest concerns because I am too invested in those of your own. This is not a cry for savior from anyone else besides myself and the God of all gods. This is real. This is self reflection and realization.

I realize that you can not truly expect another human being to be available for you the way YOU want them to be available for you. Every human being does things differently, and they have been doing it that way their entire lives. So with that being said they have to make a conscious decision to mold into a compromised version of themselves to accommodate you. That is…true love. It’s rare. I have an understanding of that now.

Now, practice what you preach sweet cracked china doll. The world doesn’t revolve around you. I know. I am the worst at a round table compromise. I can bring some mental stimulation to the table, I can bring some finances to the table, I can tell you sweet words and really mean them. The capacity to exude that emotion is something I sometimes lack. Honestly, it’s not that I lack it. I am overly emotional, the lack thereof comes from fear. If you want me to exude emotion for one situation, you will get a flood of emotion that encompasses at least 10 years. The broken mirror that had been still holding on, revealing that imperfect reflection will shatter. That’s a fear in itself and to double over, who’s going to stay to pick up the pieces. I am for sure. HE is for sure, with prayer. What other human being do you have when the strongest, most tangible ear available to listen…is supposed to be your own?

Love Envy

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“The white picket fence…”

Happy Endings. I’m a sucker for happy endings. I’m weak when it comes to a raw love story. I cry tears of joy when the king and queen have their epic moment of reunion. I always know how the love story ends, yet and still…tears of joy.

Now in the old days, the prince saves the princess. In today’s world, it’s a different storyline. The lady saves the lad…but instead of saving them from ghouls, goblins, and evil queens she saves him from his own heartlessness. Old renditions or new renditions, the goal for me is raw, passionate, uncontrollable, unconditional love. It’s the most enviable thing you could ever witness. Who wouldn’t want their own fairytale love?

I find myself on the dating scene trying not to think too much into situations. I tell myself to go with the flow, do what feels right and it will all come in due time. Easy enough, right? Not really. I can’t pretend and say I don’t think about whether or not I’m secure in this situation…if the connection is true…if the respect is present and evident. Yeah so, the first couple months of dating it’s easy to go solely off vibes and just have fun. It is always fun and games, laughs and smiles, until it hits you…I like this guy.

Living in today’s society it is impossible to come to that realization and NOT go into defense mode. When you get to the point where you know you are susceptible to the vulnerability in which your guy brings out of you. Personally, I go into fight or flight mode. I could go in with all my armor on, ready to fight through and see where that path takes me with hopes to not get my feelings stepped on or worst…stepped over. On the flip, I could take the gloves off and be on the first flight to Fear City with a connection to Punkville. I have been in both modes before, I may have dodged bullets by deterring from my emotions, but I may have also missed out on something. I may have even fought for the wrong person in the past, but I know that I’m capable of fighting for love.

I would suspect if the feelings that one has are respected, and the connection is built with true intentions on both ends then that could lead to great foundation. That foundation can be laid as a bridge between that person and their partner. That way they can meet in the middle and discuss their feelings and expectations. And if it’s a solid foundation, the bridge may never collapse. You may get your happy ending.

No one wants to be the lonesome cat lady. Growing older, this is a fear for us women in today’s world. We see so many “in love” running off to get married just to get divorced. It’s very discouraging. However, if we look away from fairytales, white picket fences, and social media and adjust our own priorities, fix our own brokenness with self-love and realization then that old school love that everyone envies can be achieved.

Love is about taking risks and having hope. We can’t lust over other’s peoples love stories. With patience, love will come to us, tailor-made.

The Bigger Person

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Oh what a beautiful trait…

Taking the high road is so complex. In retrospect, it seems like the right thing to do and in the beginning it’s a good feeling to have. Overtime, it’s always a different story. I don’t know about you but, my nonchalant behavior comes back to bite me every time. Every single time that I don’t express myself like I want to express myself it eats at me until I am completely over the situation.

There has been times when I’ve had the right to spaz out on someone but I didn’t. When I was in the predicament where crying was appropriate but I couldn’t. Where simply asking “why” was necessary but I just couldn’t bring myself to formulate the question. Yet I’m spazzing in my mind, crying behind closed doors, and asking myself why….why is it so hard to me to be vulnerable when I need to be? Why do I have an ego as big as a overprivileged, multi-million dollar, gray haired white man? Why? Why do I do it to myself?

I’ve vowed before, to become more vulnerable. I’ve even tried it a time or two. Those weren’t good times…I didn’t get the results I was hoping for and in all honestly I believe I went right back into my comfort zone…the zone that’s oblivious to what being vulnerable means. But I have so many untapped emotions, at this day and age I don’t have the luxury to hold it all in anymore. I need to weep, I need to yell, I need to kick, I need to scream, I need to know why you never thought of me as yours, why you moved away and left me alone, why don’t we have that bond, why you got sick, why you take on all the family’s stress and allow no one to care for you, why you think it’s okay to creep back into the life of my loved ones and not my own, why you didn’t see me fit to be with, why you didn’t choose me…I just wanted you to choose me, why you switched on me so swiftly and let it all go, why you felt the need to turn against a friend, why you think its ok to say these things now that you’re committed, why do you even love me…I’m so screwed up.

You of course…..all of you. You mean so much, and you’ve made drastic impressions on my life. I’ve hurt so much in confidence, but I’ve gained so much in public. I’ve grown so much stronger. Even the strongest person will have their sore days, where they just need rest….or ventilation. This is the only way I know how. And if you are anything like me…I suggest you find an outlet, because the high road you’re traveling on allows you to pass plenty of them…so take your pick.

The Beauty of the Powerless

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Love is being powerless.

So far in my life I feel like I have experienced love a couple times. I don’t have much experience in the category so I can only speak what I know and what I’ve felt. I believe that everyone’s experience with love is different, and though I truly believe in love…I still cannot wrap my head around the concept of being in love. However, I have come to my own conclusion that for myself, (because its different for everyone) being in love is gradually becoming weaker and weaker with every hurdle within the relationship.

Ok, I know you’re thinking, why do you have to consider yourself weak for loving someone. There are some who say to truly love another human whole-heartedly takes strength. I believe that as well, but you only look at it that way after you’ve exercised this love you have for a while. I will break it down a bit.

(Now keep in mind my “you” references are really meant as referring to myself from the outside looking in.)

When you are the type of person who is naturally strong, emotionally withheld, and protective of your soul, it’s a little difficult to let people get to you. And when I say a little difficult I mean extremely difficult, so that was a lie. Now for many, there are different reasons why you are the way you are but hey…you are that way now and only you have the ability to allow yourself or even someone else to change that.

So, when you meet that person whom you’ve unexpectedly grew to have feelings for it’s a struggle within yourself to acknowledge that you have these feelings, let alone express them aloud to the person you have them for. Why? Vulnerability. In all honestly, that is my worst fear when dealing with love interests. I really don’t like the feeling whatsoever, and it is because of overanalyzing. You think to yourself, if I express myself, will it be reciprocated? If its not, will I be hurt? Of course I will be hurt. Will I recover? I don’t know. I hate not knowing. Maybe I shouldn’t even say anything. Maybe they will say something first? Well he’s a guy so he’s going to expect me to say something first, right? What if he doesn’t like me like I like him? Man…f**k it.

You get my drift yet???

In this process you are making things worst with worries, and when you step back and think about it in retrospect…you are giving your power away through those worries you have. That is called energy, and worrying about all those what if’s draws a lot of it out of you.

The plot thickens, because when you do muster up the courage to say how you feel and it is reciprocated in some form or fashion, you get weaker. There is a sense of knowing. Knowing that person cares for you and will not intentionally try to hurt you. So in return, you open up more…and more. You give them more of your energy because you trust them to have it and nurture it. So they’ve become powerful, leaving you powerless. This isn’t a bad thing at the moment; you are basking in what you have developed with this person. You are head over heels, drowning, suffocating in a relationship that you undoubtedly adore. All you can see is a field full of flowers and clouds shaped as hearts. So you’re really surprised when you see one dark cloud, shocked when you suddenly see lightening, frightened when you hear the roar of thunder. You’re faced with a bad situation within your relationship…and you realize you’re at a fork in the road. A road in which you can chose to work through the bad situation or in which you can walk away from it. The thing both of these roads have in common is that they both require that energy that you so happily gave away…

So what are you going to do?

In Touch: The Beautiful Broken Fixer

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In Touch: The Beautiful Broken Fixer

Opposites attract” they say. Yea, well sometimes that is true…however in modern life I’d like to think that we try to connect with people that are compatible and like-minded. We yearn for that understanding and relatable aspect. We, as humans are configured so differently, so complicated and delicately. A lot of us jump at the chance of having a soul mate that’s wired even remotely like ourselves. In some cases, this could be a great thing. In others, it can be blissfully damaging.

What happens when time after time you attract a broken-spirited person? When do you realize the reality of the failed relationships that you have tried to build? My time is now. For a very long time I’ve been what I call a “fixer.” Now be aware that I am no Olivia Pope, and I’ve never successfully fixed anything that I’ve set my heart on fixing (relationship wise.) I can tell you how it starts and how it ends…

It typically starts with a conversation, a very interesting one. Of course, when you first meet a person they do not give you their entire life and love story but what they do give you is hints and clues at what their past has done to them whether it be good…or bad. I pay very close attention to those details and I’m honestly not really sure if I do so consciously or subconsciously. Those blueprints to who a guy is, what he’s been through, and why he’s currently the way he is intrigues me. I want to know more because no matter if it’s good or bad I feed off of it and I know in my heart of hearts it can teach me something I don’t already know.

Now, I don’t just go around being nosey with every guy I meet. From that first conversation I also depict someone in whom I feel a connection with, someone I feel has a good heart. That good heart could be apparent, or that good heart could be masked under grime. Either way, its there and that is typically the basis of what I want to shine bright because in that very first conversation, he shows me a glimpse of it…maybe mistakenly. So I build this friendship, I try my hardest to gain trust, I gain feelings, and I develop love, and dig deep in the process. I do my best to make myself readily available to listen, to be there when there is no one else, to heal, to motivate, to make happy…

The happiness comes for just a moment…and I bask in their happiness for as long as I can because as we know life is not always easy so next time the curveball is thrown I’m graciously obtainable for him again to lean on. Clearly I’m doing this for the happiness for that guy but that happiness trickles down to me, his happiness momentarily becomes my own…until I realized…ultimately I was not happy in my own situation.

I bathe myself in the fixings of other’s problems because I can attempt to provide answers and ideas for them. I can’t do that for myself without asking for help. Asking for help is something that I never did in those relationships because I never wanted to be a burden on anyone, and my problems remained unknown until they couldn’t anymore. My brokenness shined through, and each time it matched the person whom brokenness I was trying to mend. So now, the irony is evident. I had to stop trying to fix them. There was a bigger problem to fix.

So, guess what I am doing now as a natural born fixer…

Motivating Quotes:

“When you feeling lost in the night, when you feel your world just ain’t right.”

“Its funny you’re the broken who and I’m the only one who needed saving.”